You know those really terrible Movie-movies? The ones that spoof action/comedy/disasters/dates and feel the need to shove the material down your throat so hard that you wished you were Linda Lovelace in Deep Throat just so you wouldn’t have to be subjected to something so horrifically unfunny?

Watchmen is not those movies. It’s smart. Back in the old days, someone might say it “has legs.” In fact, I’m willing to wager that in a world where Chris Nolan’s Batman films didn’t exist, Watchmen would be heralded as the most intelligent of super hero/comic book films ever made.

Zack Snyder’s Watchmen doesn’t pander to the lower denomination. If you’ve never read the source material, these characters may seem strange to you, and Snyder doesn’t spell out every little nuance with baby blocks. He assumes you have enough brain cells to catch on.

As a fan of the book, I was blown away by this adaptation. Watchmen has long been touted as unfilmable by studios and critics alike. After being worked on by several notable writer/directors over the years (Aronofsky, Greengrass, to name a couple), it seems the material found its way to Snyder’s nurturing hands.

While some things are left out (The Black Freighter, meetings with the psychiatrist, how Rorschach got his mask, Laurie’s smoking, most of Bubastis), the bulk of the story remains; more importantly, Snyder remains true to the characters, their motivations, and the outcome of the story. The biggest mistake people in Hollywood make when adapting comic book or graphic novel material is forgoing the character for the sake of the image or strictly adhering to a haphazard plot; even worse, when studios (Fox is notorious) pressure the auteur to hastily churn out some big budget effects-heavy tripe (a la Michael Bay), rather than focus on the very things that draw fans to these characters.

You won’t find that here. While the effects are incredible - most notably Doc Manhattan and Rorschach’s mask - Snyder tones it down on his 300-signature slow-mo. And while there is plenty of action and blood to go around, these things don’t become the focus. You can change the story, you can change small details, and you can even change how costumes or settings look, but the one thing you can’t fuck with is the character. If you nail the character, everything else will fall in line.

The performances in the film are stellar. Billy Crudup’s ability to act through make-up and special effects is kind of magical. He plays Manhattan with a calm that seems to fit perfectly with the all-knowing all-seeing almighty being.

Jackie Earle Haley IS Rorschach. There is no doubt in my mind. Haley was born to play this part. Few people could play Rorschach’s “Hrrmm“‘s, crazed outbursts, and eccentricities the way he does here. If this part had been played by any other actor, it would’ve come across as corny and ridiculous.

Patrick Wilson’s Dan Dreiberg is dorky, sweaty, frumpy, heroic, and kinda hot. I was concerned about the portrayal of Dreiberg. It’s a fine line between has been and hot, and he manages to work it out.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan brings the Comedian to life, flaws and all. I love the Comedian’s asshole tendencies, his patriotic and abrasive ways, and the broken old man inside of him. The Comedian isn’t the most likeable guy, but people love him. I love him. Jeffrey Dean Morgan made me love him more.

Matthew Goode’s Ozymandias was stuck up and pretentious, the way he should be. I was pleased to see that his true intentions and motivations remained well-hidden until the end, just as the book goes.

My only complaint as far as acting goes is with Malin Akerman. Granted, Laurie was a bit annoying in the book, but Akerman plays her a bit flat, and I think she’s better suited to comedic roles. She gives off this Cameron Diaz vibe, and while I love her in flicks like 27 Dresses and The Heartbreak Kid (in which she was the only redeeming quality of the film), I don’t think this was the right role for her. If we were just discussing her looks, she nailed it. Another issue I had was with the constant changing of her boots. Are they flats or heels? Make up your mind! I’m sure Malin Akerman can’t kick ass in stilettos, but Silk Spectre II can, so I don’t want to see any sloppy editing where I can obviously tell she’s in flats, when two seconds ago she entered in heels.

Most of my complaints are small: Nixon’s prosthetics were terribly distracting. The actor couldn’t speak or move his mouth very well. I would’ve loved to see more of Bubastis. The sex scene was a bit silly, and all I could think was, “Wow. Zack Snyder has some balls.”

The scene on Mars was my favorite in the book, and thanks to Billy Crudup’s acting, it is now my favorite part of the film. Sure, any part with Rorschach was thrilling, too, but the scene on Mars tells you more about Osterman and Manhattan, and his speech to Laurie is wonderful.

Now, on to the squid.

No, the squid is not in the movie. I’m honestly relieved. I don’t think a giant squid, and the entire sub-plot leading up to it, would’ve made for a better movie. The ending Snyder went with gets the same point across, and even adds a new element that fits well with the story and the characters. In comic book land, a giant squid works, but in an epic film, 2 hours and 20 minutes of such a fantastic film could easily be dismissed when a giant squid comes into play. Even if Snyder had done the sub-plot leading up to it, it would still cheapen the whole thing. The movie is better off with this original ending, and Snyder was right to keep the squid out of it.

I don’t know what Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons were thinking when they made the giant squid. Not that I hate it, but it brings to mind The Beatles during their Yellow Submarine phase.

News, if you’d like to call it that, has come out today that Robert Rodriguez’s Troublemaker studios is set to “reboot” Predator. Look at that beautiful mug up there. Look him in his darling eyes and tell him you want to reboot his franchise. Tell him to his face. I hope he eats you.

As Devin Faraci of CHUD.com points out in his article on the subject, reboot is the current “it” word in the industry. Scratch remakes. Reboots give you the option for inclusion of new ideas and material. When you’re too lazy to come up with your own ideas, and you don’t want to remake the original film shot for shot, you can call it a “reboot” or “re-imagining” and make something familiar to a fierce fan base into something that you want it to be. This can fail or succeed and consequently reinvigorate fans, find new ones, or alientate and annoy the fuck out of the devoted ones that were already there.

Imagine you’re a 40 year old woman. Your husband is 50. You’ve been married for 20 years and you’re still into all the newest trends like botox, leopard spandex, and vaginoplasty or analplasty or whatever the hell people are plasty-ing these days. You love Madonna and your skin is day-glo orange to match your nails. Meanwhile, your husband is content to sit at home and watch TV in his sweats, blissfully ignorant of his ear hair and his erectile dysfunction. One day, you realize that you don’t have to keep coming home to this bastard anymore, and you decided to trade him in for the newest, youngest, shiniest version you can find. It looks like he used to in his younger days, but it doesn’t talk the same, act the same, and it’s not as smart as your husband was. It tries, and sometimes succeeds in places where your husband could not (like the bedroom), but mostly it fails to impress in anything other than the looks department.

That’s a reboot/re-imagining/remake for you. Sometimes they succeed. Mostly it’s a mixture of failure and success.

Honestly, I don’t see why you would want to re-anything Predator. First off, I wouldn’t technically label it a “series.” I have chosen to ignore the putrid Alien Vs. Predator films for obvious reasons, and if you think those films were some stroke of genius or anything remotely resembling fun without having to imbibe massive quantities of cheap vodka, then I think you’ve stumbled upon the wrong blog.

There were only two Predator films. Two films doth not a series make. A series would be Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Child’s Play, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, etc. These films have long standing histories and would often pick up where a previous film left off, or at least have more than one character in common. The biggest reason why these are labeled as a series or is because there are more than 2 or 3 films in the series. Having a movie and a sequel doesn’t mean you automatically have a big franchise series; However, and this is a big however, Predator is immensely popular and does have some serious weight with just the two installments. My point is that I don’t believe it’s “reboot” worthy.

Films with long franchise history make sense to remake/reboot after a while. Films like Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th have had installments man-handled by several different directors with various story lines over time. They’ve run out of places to go with the current situations they’re in. It’s in times like these where it seems the only place to go is back to the beginning, and this time around we can change where the story goes. The character is the same, looks the same, maybe slightly improved (the geeks usually get in an uproar when any horror villain that typicalls stalks or moves at a sluggish pace is made to run), and typically has the same origin story which may may not be tweaked to have more details. Usually audiences are divided on the success and/or failure of said reboots, i.e. Rob Zombie’s Halloween, which I personally enjoyed.

Predator, once again, has two films. You can’t run out of things to do with it after two films. I can understand that it’s been a substantial amount of time since the last film, but that didn’t stop Lucas from ass-raping nostalgia and coming out with 3 more Star Wars films, did it? I’m pretty sure since Predator and its sequel are ALWAYS on AMC and Starz! that enough people remember it or have been formally introduced.

Just do a third film. If you want to reinvigorate a franchise with two films under its belt, add a new entry. What needs to change about Predator? The origins are flexible enough to just add a new installment with new protagonists and be done with it. Unless they want to use the previous protagonist(s), which is more than likely the reason why they just want to remake the first one. Either enjoy the originals on DVD or make a new film. Don’t go out and remake the first one because you’ve had a massively insatiable fanboy boner for the past 20 years, and watching the movies isn’t enough anymore. Now you have to slip them some roofies and date-rape the fuck out of them because you’re convinced your way is the only way, and everyone will appreciate what you’re going to do to something that wasn’t in need of a deep-dicking in the first place. And all for what? Because you’ve had this idea to change a few things in the film since you first saw it. Because you thought you could do it better, and your way would make it perfect and unequivocally more “bad ass.”

I call bullshit.

I’m not an expert on directing anything, any more than the guy chewing his over-buttered popcorn with his mouth open next to me in the theater is. I honestly and seriously love movies, though, and I love discussing them at length (let’s be honest, I’m a woman, and I love discussing anything at length). I think I’m just about as qualified as anyone else to run this annual geriatric circle-jerk, and here’s why:

Heath Ledger was nominated for the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in The Dark Knight. While we’d all love to think this was solely based on the merits of his performance (as it should be), it was probably 65-70% influenced by his death. Maybe more. I’m also not a statistical genius.

When the time comes to announce who gets the Best Supporting Actor Oscar, this is what I envision happening:

Scenario 1: Someone else wins. Yes, we need to brace ourselves for this possibility. As new director of the Oscars, I will ensure audience satisfaction. Whichever d-bag gets the Oscar will walk up to the podium, take the statue from the nice statue lady who will not be clapping as this is not an appropriate time for celebration (yet). Undeserving Oscar winner will approach the podium and tell the audience that this is not his award. He does not deserve it. He will say that this award belongs to someone who can’t be with us tonight, but who obviously gave the best supporting actor performance of the year. He’ll set the award down on the podium, and as the audience begins a standing ovation, the orchestra will begin to play (a piece from The Dark Knight soundtrack, TBD). As the string instruments swell, the camera will slowly pan out to show the screens with a picture of Heath Ledger as the Joker, then to show the whole of the audience. The screen will slowly fade to black, and we cut to commercial.

Scenario 2: Scenario 2 is similar to scenario 1; however, in this scenario, Heath Ledger rightfully wins. The presenter’s (most likely last year’s winner) voice will crack ever so slightly as he announces the winner. The audience will give a standing ovation as one of the following people take the stage:

• Gary Oldman
• Morgan Freeman
• Bonus: BOTH OF THEM!
• Chris & Jonathan Nolan
• Last resort: Michelle Williams. They were divorced when he died, so it seems more appropriate for a costar to accept the award on his behalf.
• Inappropriate pick: Mary-Kate Olsen. Ouch.

So let’s say it’s Oldman/Freeman combo. They take the stage with…drumroll….his daughter. Instead of some speech about how wonderful he was and how he deserved this, not because of his death, but because of his enthralling performance, both of them only say “thank you,” take the award, let little Matilda hold it for her father, and walk off the stage. Same as scenario 1 - standing ovation, picture of Heath, orchestra, pan out, fade to black, commercial.

As you can see, I am clearly qualified to direct the Oscars. Either of these scenarios would have all the women sitting at home with their cats crying into their Ben & Jerry’s and Big Gulps. The effeminate guys wearing their Team Aniston tees and the Schwarzenegger-fan masculine dudes being forced into Oscar night slavery via their diabolical girlfriends (me!) would tear up a little. You know it. Nothing would ever live up to the sad and beautiful moments I’ve presented above. NOTHING. Not even if Harvey Weinstein stripped naked and wept on camera after losing (rightfully) to a superior film after countless hours of cock-gobbling and Academy lobbying.

People who control the Academy, this is for your consideration.

I don’t recall being told during my job interview, 9 months ago, that part of my job description includes being the MS Office help desk/general computer help that doesn’t involve taking things apart person. Now that I’m aware of this other job title, I feel I deserve a raise. At the very least, I should get a desk with bright colors, some sort of logo, and a catchy name that represents what I do. Perhaps MS. Office Help. Get it? Ms./MS? No? Anyone out there?

On a regular basis I am called into action by my superiors to help them fiddle around with spreadsheets and Word documents. It’s always something so simple that it makes my brain melt just thinking that these ignorant, uneducated douche nozzles have vastly superior paychecks.

Today I was called in by a manager to show him how to insert and manage tables in his Word document. I’ve been asked at least twice what the refresh button is and what it does in an internet browser. I’ve been asked by the owner of the company “how to make these words have a line under them” or “how to make all of this in that dark thingy, the thing with the big B.” Sigh.

As I was just leaving my manager’s office, he asked me how to insert some text at the top of the document, and I obliged, trying as hard as I could not to take the trash can filled with a soupy slaw of his chewing tobacco and spit and dump it on his head. When he inserted the text, he changed the font to Comic Sans MS.

We all remember Comic Sans MS, right? Hopefully none of you are still using it every chance you get, thinking it makes you look smart because you can change your font to something that isn’t “plain”. It’s that font we all pick out when we first learn how to change fonts in a Word document. When we’re 8 or 9 years old and typing our first computer-processed missive to a toy company, demanding small-scale explosives be included in every GI Joe purchase, or that Barbie has a curling iron that actually works, and you don’t care if you’ll burn your eye out.

Well, my 50-something boss has decided to use Comic Sans MS in every e-mail, memo, and document he creates. Sometimes he even changes the color to blue! He’s such a maverick.

Someone needs to inform people in the business world that Comic Sans MS is not a professional looking font, nor does it say what they think it says about them: that they’re fun, laid back, cool dude types who like to chill with a beer and watch cartoons on a Saturday morning, neglecting to wipe the Cheeto dust from their upper lip. It does not say that they’re smart and know their way around a computer.

I don’t think there are very many examples of an acceptable time to use Comic Sans MS, but these are the few I was able to come up with:

• Apartment managers, trying to come off as laid back and approachable to the residents - the majority of which are under-educated, unwashed layabouts with mcjobs who probably spend 10 minutes looking at the pretty clip art picture of balloons or bears with party hats, so this is okay.
• Stay at home mom types - Their husband bought a new Dell for the home office for Christmas, and they’ve decided to be crafty and make some birthday invitations for little Ethan’s Cars-themed birthday party. Bonus points if their inevitable and frustrated random-clickage while trying to find Word leads them to a bevy of their husband’s tranny porn.
• The ads on the bulletin board at the community college for summer clown college. Learn how to make balloon animals and slather yourself in grease paint that will reinvigorate that T-zone acne from high school.
• 11 year olds that discover free site hosting on the interwebs - They dedicate an entire page to pics of The Jonas Bros./Nickelback lyrics/their first period. Bonus points for using MIDI files.
• 50-something aunts who want to seem “with it” by sending “e-mail faxes” to their younger family members, and insist on using words like “hip” and “bitchin’”.

I’m sure there are plenty of other examples, but I’m sure you get the point. If you or someone you know is a chronic Comic Sans MS user, please get help. It’s never too late.

Oh Don Draper. You’sa pimp.

Submitted to Drew McWeeny over at Hitfix by Lloyd Levin, one of the producers of Watchmen.

“Watchmen. A producer’s perspective.

An open letter.

Who is right? In the Watchmen dispute between Warner Brothers and Fox that question is being discussed, analyzed, argued, tried and ruled on in a court of law. That’s one way to answer the question - It is a fallback position in our society for parties in conflict to resolve disputes. And there are teams of lawyers and a highly regarded Federal Judge trying to do just that, which obviates any contribution I could make towards answering the “who is right” question within a legal context. But after 15 plus years of involvement in the project, and a decade more than that working in the movie business, I have another perspective, a personal perspective that I believe important to have on the public record.

No one is more keenly aware of the irony of this dispute than Larry Gordon and I who have been trying to get this movie made for many years. There’s a list of people who have rejected the viability of a movie based on Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon’s classic graphic novel that reads like a who’s who of Hollywood.

We’ve been told the graphic novel is unfilmable.

After 9/11 some felt the story’s themes were too close to reality ever to be palatable to a mainstream audience.

There were those who considered the project but who wished it were somehow different: Could it be a buddy movie, or a team-up movie or could it focus on one main character; did it have to be so dark; did so many people have to die; could it be stripped of its flashback structure; could storylines be eliminated; could new storylines be invented; did it have to be so long; could the blue guy put clothes on… The list of dissatisfactions for what Watchmen is was as endless as the list of suggestions to make it something it never was.

Also endless are the list of studio rejections we accrued over the years. Larry and I developed screenplays at five different studios. We had two false starts in production on the movie. We were involved with prominent and commercial directors. Big name stars were interested. In one instance hundreds of people were employed, sets were being built - An A-list director and top artists in the industry were given their walking papers when the studio financing the movie lost faith.

After all these years of rejection, this is the same project, the same movie, over which two studios are now spending millions of dollars contesting ownership. Irony indeed, and then some.

Through the years, inverse of the lack of studio faith has been the passionate belief by many many individuals - movie professionals who were also passionate fans of the graphic novel - who, yes, wanted to work on the film, but more for reasons of just wanting to see the movie get made, to see this movie get made and made right, donated their time and talent to help push the film forward: Writers gave us free screenplay drafts; conceptual art was supplied by illustrators, tests were performed gratis by highly respected actors and helped along and put together by editors, designers, prop makers and vfx artists; we were the recipients of donated studio and work space, lighting and camera equipment. Another irony, given the commercial stakes implied by the pitched legal dispute between Fox and Warners, is that for years Watchmen has been a project that has survived on the fumes of whatever could be begged, borrowed and stolen - A charity case for all intents and purposes. None of that effort, none of that passion and emotional involvement, is considered in the framework of this legal dispute.

From my point of view, the flashpoint of this dispute, came in late spring of 2005. Both Fox and Warner Brothers were offered the chance to make Watchmen. They were submitted the same package, at the same time. It included a cover letter describing the project and its history, budget information, a screenplay, the graphic novel, and it made mention that a top director was involved.

And it’s at this point, where the response from both parties could not have been more radically different.

The response we got from Fox was a flat “pass.” That’s it. An internal Fox email documents that executives there felt the script was one of the most unintelligible pieces of shit they had read in years. Conversely, Warner Brothers called us after having read the script and said they were interested in the movie - yes, they were unsure of the screenplay, and had many questions, but wanted to set a meeting to discuss the project, which they promptly did. Did anyone at Fox ask to meet on the movie? No. Did anyone at Fox express any interest in the movie? No. Express even the slightest interest in the movie? Or the graphic novel? No.”….

Click here to read the rest of this engaging letter.

This is such bad hat from FOX. Then again, what to expect from the same douche nozzles that cancelled Arrested Development?

They were given the option, they passed. They had an option YEARS ago, and never did anything with it. If they had ANY objection, the would’ve spoken up when WB started making the film. Instead, they waited until they saw how many people were excited about this, and realized that this film is going to be a monumental cash cow.

Dicks.